


don't you leave me lonely

by ThankYouMerlin



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-06
Updated: 2014-05-06
Packaged: 2018-01-23 17:29:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1573874
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThankYouMerlin/pseuds/ThankYouMerlin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Beside Liam, Louis takes a breath and says, “Liam and I are getting a divorce.” </i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	don't you leave me lonely

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to marcel and lauren for being my lovely betas. 
> 
> title from rixton's "hotel ceiling." (thanks, casey)

It’s been five years since they’ve been on tour. It hasn’t been five years since they’ve seen each other, but it’s been five years since they were One Direction. 

When they called it quits after their fifth world tour and after their fifth album went triple platinum in twenty-two countries, they’d all stayed in touch. The wedding had helped of course, having them work together even though they were no longer _working_ together. Harry had officiated with Zayn as Liam’s best man and Niall as Louis’. But that had been four and a half years ago. 

They’d met up several times for lunch or dinner in the years following the wedding and there had been a few months where Niall crashed on Liam and Louis’ couch while his house was remodeled. Harry was always in and out of their house as well as Zayn’s and Niall’s even though his own house was finished and nicer than any of theirs, but it wasn’t like before. They weren’t living in each other’s pockets anymore. They weren’t sharing hotel rooms and fighting off paparazzi and fans and avoiding offensive and boring interview questions. Louis and Liam grew closer, as was expected, but as a group, they strayed farther than they promised they ever would. 

It had been a mutual thing, stopping. They were all exhausted after five years of non-stop touring and recording and promotion. They were just _tired_. It hadn’t seemed like a big deal at the time to sign on to do a tour for their ten year anniversary. A five year break and then a few concerts at the O2 and around Europe, maybe a few in America? It hadn’t sounded bad at all. Now Liam wished he’d never signed that contract, because their five year break was up and management’s number was flashing up on his caller ID, most likely to start scheduling the O2 dates. 

“Are you going to answer that?” Louis snaps from the living room. 

“It’s mangement,” Liam tells him.

“I don’t care who it is,” Louis responds. “The ringtone is giving me a headache.” 

Liam fights to keep from rolling his eyes, but answers his phone. “Hello?”

“Hi, Liam! It’s Sadie McKinnon,” a chipper voice says. “I work for SyCo and Modest Management. I’m just calling to arrange a time for us all to meet to discuss the ten year anniversary tour.” 

“Yeah, sure,” Liam says. 

“So what do you and Louis’ schedules look like for the the upcoming week? The other lads are all free on Wednesday. Does Wednesday work for the two of you?” 

“Lou?” Liam pulls the phone away from his face to call out to his husband. “Are you free on Wednesday to meet with management and the boys?” 

“I have a meeting with my lawyer at noon, but I’ll be free after that.” Louis comes into the kitchen. 

Liam swallows as he meets Louis’ eyes. He knows his voice sounds pleading when he asks, “Can’t you move your meeting with your lawyer?” 

“No.” Louis says firmly, crossing his arms. 

Liam takes a deep breath and nods, squaring his shoulders as he lifts the phone back to his face. “We’re free after two.” 

“Perfect!” Sadie says and Liam could hear her writing something down. “Does a three o’clock late lunch at the Ritz in Piccadilly sound good? Lunch will be on us, of course.” 

“We’ll be there,” Liam tells her. 

“Fabulous.” She sounds distracted when she says it. “I’ll let the others know the final plans and we’ll see you on Wednesday. You and Louis have a good afternoon.” 

“Thank you. Good afternoon to you as well.” Liam hangs up and tosses his phone onto the counter. He walks over to the calendar on the wall and pens in the meeting. He can feel Louis watching him. 

“You really think this reunion tour is a good idea?” Louis asks. His tone implies that no matter Liam’s answer, it isn’t going to be the answer he wants. But that was how the last few months had been, so it wasn’t anything Liam wasn’t used to, honestly. 

“I don’t think we really have a choice,” Liam answers. “We already signed on saying we would.” 

Louis scoffs, as Liam had expected him to. “Like we don’t have enough money to buy our way out of that contract.” 

“They’ve already leaked rumors that we’re going to go back on tour,” Liam says. “It was trending on twitter the other day. We can’t back out now, we’d disappoint the fans.” 

“Because they’ve done so much for us.” 

“They have. You know they have. There were more good ones than bad, Louis, and you know it. Don’t be difficult.” 

“Difficult,” Louis repeats the word slowly, as if he were tasting an expensive wine. “I’m difficult.” 

Liam groans. “You know that isn’t what I meant. Can we not do this right now?” 

“In a few weeks we won’t have to do this ever again.” Louis says it so casually, like he was telling Liam about something that had happened with the Rovers when he’d stopped by their practice that morning. Liam feels a part of himself break at the way that Louis’ tone left no room for anything except inevitability. 

“Lou --” 

“You’re the one who doesn’t want to do this right now,” Louis interrupts, voice knife-like. “So we’re not doing this right now.” 

Liam falls silent then, knowing that nothing he would say would change anything. The most he would do is piss Louis off more, and Liam hadn’t been lying when he said he didn’t want to do this right now. He was still worn out from the fight they’d had that morning. 

“I think I’m going to give Stan a call,” Louis muses out loud. “See if he wants to go out and grab a pint or two.” 

“Or six,” Liam says under his breath. He doesn’t mean to say it and instantly wishes that he had just held his tongue when Louis responds with: 

“Fuck you. No matter how many drinks I have, at least _you’re_ the one I’m coming home to.” 

“Nothing happened that night.” Liam states, but he knows it won’t do any good. 

“So you keep saying.” Louis’ tone turns thoughtful, as if he were actually considering Liam’s words, but Liam knew it was for show. Louis is the most stubborn person Liam knew - always had been. It was one of Liam’s least favorite things about Louis in the beginning: the way he wouldn’t back down about how he wanted to do things in the band. Liam had just wanted to play the game, wanted to please the judges and maybe get a record deal out of it. But Louis had wanted so much more from them, had demanded so much more from all of them. Louis had seen the same potential in them that Simon had, and had stood his ground. As the years went on, he pushed more and more. His stubbornness became one of Liam’s favorite things about him, because Liam was on Louis’ team. Liam was standing right next to Louis, holding the same ground.

It was like they had come full circle, right back to Louis’ obstinacy being one of Liam’s least favorite things, because Louis was against Liam again and so much more was on the line now.

\----

Liam gets to the meeting on Wednesday first so he waits outside for Louis to arrive. There are a few paparazzi gathered across the street, no doubt tipped off by management so that they can start creating a proper buzz about the new tour and get people excited and ready to buy tickets. Liam hopes the tour won’t be a total flop; he needs something in his life to go right. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if no one buys tickets to this tour, doesn’t know if he can handle feeling like a failure as a husband _and_ a musician.

“You didn’t have to wait for me,” are Louis’ first words to Liam when Louis steps out of his car. 

“I bet the papers would love that,” Liam responds.

“Let’s just go inside,” Louis grumbles. “Less cameras.” 

The other boys are already there along with a few representatives from their management company. Liam doesn’t recognize any of them, but the music world is fast moving and Liam isn’t really all that surprised to see that the music management world is the same way. 

“Liam, Louis!” Liam recognizes the woman’s voice as the one he’d spoken to over the phone. Sadie, she’d said her name was. “I’m Sadie McKinnon. I know I’ve spoken to you Liam, but I thought a proper introduction would be appropriate.” She holds out her hand for Liam to shake before shaking Louis’ as well. 

“Hi boys,” Louis greets Zayn, Niall, and Harry. 

It hadn’t been that long since Liam had seen Zayn, but it had been ages since he’d seen Harry or Niall. They all look pretty much the same. Zayn’s wearing the glasses he’d started needing somewhere in the middle of the fourth world tour - too much reading with not enough light or something. He and Harry both have a few more tattoos, but at least Harry’s hair is under control. Niall’s hair is almost completely brunet, he’d stopped dyeing it when they ended their final tour. Liam had asked him about it a few weeks after the wedding when they’d popped round to a pub together, and Niall had admitted the blond made him miss them all too much. It was a reminder of all those days they’d spent together and if he thought about them too often he’d get sad. He’d liked living in their pockets, he’d liked having them close, probably more than any of them. Liam knew that the split had been the hardest on Niall and Harry, but maybe even more so Niall. 

“Louis!” Harry exclaims, leaping out of his seat to engulf Louis in a hug. “It’s been ages, mate. What have you two been up to?” 

“Boring married things,” Liam jokes, the easy answer Louis and him had started giving every time they were asked that question in the past few months. 

Harry rolls his eyes as he releases Louis and gives Liam a hug. Liam leans into it gratefully. He’d forgotten how tall Harry was, how Harry was really the only one who could wrap his arms all the way around Liam and really hold him. He didn’t realize how much he maybe needed that until now. 

“Do boring married things include ignoring your best mates, then?” Niall asks as he stands to hug Louis and then Liam. Liam hugs him all the tighter for his question. 

“We didn’t mean to,” Louis lies, and Liam’s glad that he’s the one who said it. Liam isn’t sure he would have been able to keep his voice from wavering. He’d never been a very good liar, especially not to his boys. “Just got all wrapped up in our married stuff.” 

When he and Louis had really started to fight, they’d agreed not to tell the other boys. They didn’t want them to feel like they had to pick sides. Liam thought it was more that Louis didn’t want the other boys to see him fail at something, to fail at _Liam_ , but Liam didn’t want them to see him fail at Louis either, so he’d agreed to Louis’ demand that they leave the other boys out of it. The fighting had only gotten worse and eventually the only way to keep the others out of it was to keep them away completely. Liam had stopped meeting Niall for drinks, stopped answering Zayn’s phone calls, and stopped going to concerts with Harry. Liam knew Louis had been doing the same. 

Zayn is the last to hug Liam and Liam knows right away that Zayn can tell something is up. Zayn hugs Louis and when he pulls away, he’s raising his eyebrows in question. Louis shakes his head and Zayn’s eyebrows come crashing down, furrowing as he tries to figure out what Louis is keeping from him. Louis just shakes his head again and nudges Zayn towards Liam before taking his seat at the table next to Harry. 

Liam opens his arms and Zayn steps into his embrace, wrapping his arms firmly around Liam’s waist. Fuck, Liam’s missed him. He’s missed all the boys, but Zayn’s always understood him a bit differently from the others. They’re kind of kindred spirits. They’ve gotten along from the very start and there is no one in the world - bar Louis - that Liam trusts more. It’s been killing him, keeping everything from Zayn. Zayn pinches him the side before stepping out of the hug and Liam understands the _we’ll talk about this later_ in the stinging of his skin. They both return to the table, Zayn sitting between Niall and Harry, and Liam sitting beside Louis, who doesn’t even acknowledge that Liam’s sat down. 

“Great,” Sadie says from where she’d returned to her seat and had been looking on at their mini-reunion. “Let’s get started then. This is Heath Anderson, he’s going to be your new tour manager.” 

It’s like a little punch to the gut, knowing that Paul isn’t coming back. Liam knew, logically, that Paul wouldn’t be; he has a family to take care of and it wasn’t like he was young to start with. But there was a difference between knowing he wasn’t coming back and seeing the person who would take his place. Everything on this tour was going to be different and it left a weird taste in Liam’s mouth. 

Sadie introduces the two other people sitting at the table but Liam barely catches their names. They’re both more behind the scenes and won’t be traveling with the boys, so he doesn’t feel as badly about it. They’ll most likely be calling shots from chairs in cushy London offices and he will never have to deal with them personally. 

“So we were thinking about announcing the tour next Saturday,” Sadie tells them. “We have you lined up to go on Chatty Man and Jonathan Ross to do some promotional work that day and the BBC is going to put you on the next day. Radio 1 wants you to pre-record something on Friday, if that works for all of you, so they can air it on Saturday along with the announcement that the band is back together and going on one last tour!” 

“That sounds fine,” Liam says when it becomes apparent all the other boys are going to do is nod. Louis is usually the one who takes lead during these types of meetings, but he’s sitting silently at Liam’s side. 

“Perfect,” Sadie says as she pulls out her iPhone and types something in. “So you’ll do promo work for the tour that week and then we’ll release tickets the Saturday following. That should give everyone plenty of time to get excited.” She goes on for a bit more about the details for the tour, but it’s nothing any of them weren’t expecting. Finally, she stops and looks around the table, a serious look on her face as she meets each of the boys’ eyes, one by one. “Now, I know you boys know what it’s like. You’re not new to this world. So if there is anything, anything _at all_ that the press could find out about from the past five years, you need to tell me right now. Strippers, drugs, I mean anything. Even if you don’t think anyone could ever find out, you know they will. And it’s better to be prepared.” 

The table is pretty much silent. The paps and fans had followed the five of them even after they took a break. In fact, the media attention had really only died down in the last year or so, which barely gave the boys any time to do anything that bad. Not to mention they were all older now, three of them married and Niall and Harry both living with significant others. 

Beside Liam, Louis takes a breath and says, “Liam and I are getting a divorce.” 

Niall whispers a small, “What?” 

Louis turns to Niall and Liam can see the apology written all over his face. “We didn’t want you guys to feel like you had to take sides so we just… didn’t tell you. But I met with my lawyer today and he’s going to start drawing up the paperwork. Liam and I are divorcing.” 

“What the fuck?” Zayn demands and Liam winces. “You didn’t want us to feel like we had to take sides so you just, what? Shut us out? You’re an asshole, Tomlinson. You too, Liam.” 

Harry wraps an arm around Zayn’s shoulders, gaze fixed firmly on Louis and Liam. “Why?” 

“Just… stuff,” Liam answers. “We’re just not working anymore.” 

“You can ask that nice bloke Liam brought home after a night at the club why we're not working,” Louis chimes in. Of course, even after they’d said they didn’t want the boys to feel like they had to take sides, Louis wants them all on their side. Liam can’t even pretend he’s surprised and he isn’t going to pretend that Louis’ words don’t make him angry. 

“Yeah, you can ask him all about how he helped me home from the club when I was too drunk to even remember my own name, and about how he came inside so I could give him money for a cab home,” Liam says, not looking at anyone at the table. 

“Alright, I see that that’s going to have to be something we discuss with our bosses,” Sadie interjects smoothly. “I’ll let you know what they think the best course of action is on that particular front.” 

“The best course of action is for us to get a divorce,” Louis snaps at her, but Sadie doesn’t even flinch. It’s clear she’s been warned about them and the tempers they all carry. 

“That may be,” she says almost placatingly, “but we’ll need to put together a story for the media that portrays both of you in a favorable way. Now, please feel free to order whatever you want for lunch and just have them put it on my tab. I’ll be in touch.” With that, she, Heath, and the other two representatives get up and say their goodbyes, leaving the boys by themselves. Liam slides into one of the now vacant chairs, putting space between himself and Louis. 

"Do you two maybe want to tell us what's going on?" Niall asks. 

"Not particularly." Louis doesn't even look at Niall as he brushes him off and flags down their waiter. Liam wants to yell at him for how he's treating Niall. He treat Liam like shit, but Niall is off limits. The waiter comes over and Louis orders himself a whiskey, tilting his head and smirking at Liam as he does so. 

"I'll have what he's having," Liam tells the waiter and Louis raises his eyebrows, pursing his lips and looking away. Louis' never liked it when Liam beat him at his own game. 

"It's a little early to be drinking, don't you think?" Zayn's voice is cold and Liam almost physically flinches away from it. Zayn's never been cold with Liam, that's not how they work. Liam can barely breathe through all the guilt. He and Louis are falling apart and they're going to take the band with them. Liam didn't realize the inevitability of that until this moment. 

Louis huffs out a small laugh, dark and with an edge to it that Liam knows he is responsible for putting there. "More like a little late. I should have started four and a half years ago." 

The waiter returns with their drinks then. Louis holds his up in a mock 'cheers' towards Zayn before tossing it back. 

"Are you ready to order, sirs?" The waiter asks. 

"Haven't even had a chance to look at the menu." Harry's laugh is strained and Liam hates that he and Louis have done this to him: forced him to start acting like a celebrity again, forced him to pretend things are okay for the sake of an image again. Liam hates a lot of things right now. "We'll take a look now." 

The waiter nods and walks away. 

"Still got that old Styles charm going for ya, eh Hazza?" Louis asks, smiling. 

"Stop it, Louis," Liam's warns softly. "Stop taking it out on them." 

Louis glares at Liam for a moment, before pushing his empty glass away from himself and standing. "You know what? I'm not that hungry. You guys have a nice lunch." With that, Louis turns and strides out of the dining room. 

"I'm gonna..." Harry says, standing and gesturing towards Louis' back. He gives Liam a look and Liam knows he's apologizing for picking Louis. 

"Go, yeah," Liam tells him. "Make sure he gets home alright." 

Harry nods and takes off, catching up with Louis just before he pushes through the doors that lead out to the street. 

With Harry and Louis gone, Niall and Zayn both turn to Liam expectantly. 

"We just... we just can't seem to stop fighting." Liam shrugs at them and finishes his drink, relishing in the burn as it goes down. 

"What did he mean?" Niall's tone is careful when he asks. "What did he mean about that guy from the club?" 

Liam plays with the silverware that was laid out on the table, not meeting either of their gazes. "We'd been fighting so much, I just wanted a break, you know? I just wanted to forget for five seconds that Louis and I were fighting. So I grabbed Andy and we went out to a club. I got really smashed and Andy was nowhere to be found -"

"Typical," Zayn interrupts, voice disgusted and Niall hums his agreement. 

Liam ignores them and continues. "There was this really nice bloke who I'd been dancing with -- just regular dancing, I promise. He noticed that I was a little too drunk and offered to take me home. I flashed my wedding ring and he laughed and told me he knew who I was, he’d been a big One Direction fan. He was just offering to get me home safely and maybe get an autograph or picture in return. So we caught a cab together and he came in so I could sign something for him and give him money for the cab and then he left. That’s it, I _swear_.” 

“We believe you, Li,” Niall says. “We know you wouldn’t lie to us.” 

“Tell that to Louis,” Liam scoffs. “He caught me letting the guy out and absolutely lost it.” 

“That sounds so odd though,” Zayn says, tone thoughtful. He adjusts his thick framed glasses on his face. “Doesn’t sound like Louis at all to stay mad even after you explained everything.” 

“He just doesn’t believe me when I tell him that I didn’t do anything with that guy. I don’t even know his name, for fuck’s sake.” 

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Niall points out helpfully and Zayn flicks at his collarbone until Niall ducks his head in apology. 

“Why doesn’t he believe you?” Zayn asks. 

Liam throws up his hands. “I have no idea. We just fight all the time. About that, about everything.” 

“It’s just sad,” Zayn says. “Watching you guys give it all up after knowing how hard you had to fight for it.” 

“I know.” Liam checks his phone, some misguided hope making him think that Louis will have texted him. “But I’m sick of all the fighting. I fought for him and now I’m fighting with him and I’m so tired of everything.” 

“Are we sure this tour is a good idea then, mate?” Niall asks, eyebrows drawn down in concern. “With everything the two of you are going through, I’m not sure another world tour is a smart thing to do.” 

“We already signed the contracts,” Liam says, dropping his head into his hands. “And we were trending on twitter the other day. We can’t let the fans down.” 

“Fuck the fans,” Zayn says vehemently. “You’re who I’m worried about.” 

“You sound like Louis.” Liam tries to keep the sad edge out of his voice, but he knows he fails miserably at it. “Look, we’ll be fine. We’ll sort our shit out for the tour and figure the rest out later. At least on tour he can’t drink as much.” 

“Liam --” 

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore, okay?” Liam cuts him off, but keeps his tone is gentle. He just really doesn’t want to talk about this anymore. He’s so sick of saying everything out loud, he almost liked it better when they were keeping it from the band because then he could pretend it was just a stupid row with Louis, not the end of his marriage. “I just want to grab some lunch and go home.” 

“You’re always welcome to crash at mine, mate, you know that,” Niall adds before they let the subject fall completely. They order their food and Liam lets Niall and Zayn do most of the talking through the rest of the meal. Seeing them is great, but he can’t help but feel everything’s a little bit off without Harry and Louis there with them.

\----

“I guess adultery can just be our thing now.” Liam is woken by Louis throwing a newspaper at his face and tossing that snide comment over his shoulder as he leaves the guest bedroom that Liam has been sleeping in.

“What the fuck, Louis?” Liam sits up angrily, but Louis is already slamming things around in the kitchen far out of range of Liam’s rage. He unfolds the newspaper roughly and groans when he reads the headline. 

“I think it’s quite clever actually.” Louis is back in the doorway, a plate of eggs in his hand. His mouth is twisted into something sharp and nasty, the kind of look he used to give interviewers that made particularly inappropriate comments. “‘Tomlinson Causing Payne Pain?’ Clever, that is.” 

“It says you’re leaving me for Harry,” Liam says, tone neutral, trying to test the waters on Louis’s mood. 

“I should never have left Harry for you in the first place,” Louis sighs and comes into the room to sit on the bed. “He was a much better fake boyfriend than you’ve been husband.” 

Liam’s hands ball into fists, crumpling the newspaper. “That’s not fair.” 

“You’re right,” Louis says, no change in tone whatsoever. He’s driving Liam mad. “Harry cheated on me with supermodels and married women and Taylor Swift. You just cheated on me with one bloke from a club. Too bad it only really counts when it’s you.” 

“Louis, for the last time --” 

“Nothing happened with that guy.” Louis arches his eyebrows and stands, back to Liam. “I know, Liam.” 

With that, Louis exits the room, leaving Liam wide awake and angry, blood boiling and sadness threatening to swallow him whole.

\----

“Hi, we’re One Direction!” They all say in unison into the camera. Liam picks up from there adding, “And we’re going back on tour!”

The interviewer takes over, asking them what countries they’ll be visiting, when tickets will go on sale, what they hope fan response to the tour will be like; all questions they’d been prepped for the day before by their management team. 

“This tour will be a little bit different now that you’re all settled down. How is that going to work, with three of you married and the other two in relationships as well?” The interviewer asks and the answer Liam had been prepped to give flies right out of his head. Luckily, Louis takes this question, reaching over to pick up Liam’s hand and lace their fingers together. 

“Be easy for us, I suppose.” Louis laughs and Liam hopes that the fans won’t hear how fake it is the way that Liam can. “Traveling husbands, we are.” 

The interviewer, thankfully, doesn’t push the issue, instead moves on to ask, “And the rest of you?” 

“Pez gets it. We’ve been through this together before so it won’t be much different now. She’s flying out for most of the American part of the tour, so that’ll be good, yeah,” Zayn says. Niall and Harry murmur agreements. 

“Do you guys have a set list for the show yet?” The interviewer moves on and Liam wants to thank whoever hired this woman as their first interviewer because she’s absolutely wonderful. She’s asking questions that the fans will want to know the answers to but she isn’t dwelling on any gossip or speculation. She’s all business and Liam has never appreciated that more than right now. 

“Not yet,” Harry says. “We start rehearsals this afternoon so we’ll finalize the set list then and get to work.” 

“Sounds like you guys have a busy week coming up,” the interviewer adds with a smile. 

Niall barks out a laugh and swings his arm over Liam’s shoulders, pulling him in against his side. The movement untangles Liam’s hand from Louis’s and Liam wants to protest. He wants to push Niall away and take Louis’s hand back in his own, because it’s the first time Louis’s touched him in _months_ and he wants more. But he settles into Niall instead, listens to the drag of Niall’s accent -- more slight after years in London -- as he tells the interviewer their plans for the week. 

“What about a new album?” the interviewer asks. “Can we expect some new music from One Direction?” 

“There’s nothing in the works right now, no,” Louis answers. “But One Direction never says never.” 

“I thought that was Justin Bieber?” Liam picks up the punch line of their old joke. He’s rewarded with a genuine smile from Louis, though it dies as fast as it appears.

“Cheeky as ever, you lads.” The interviewers laughs and then wraps up into the camera, repeating the details of the tour and adding in where tickets can be purchased and when they’ll go on sale. 

“And that’s a wrap,” the director announces. “Thank you, everyone!” 

Louis pushes off the couch the fastest and all but sprints out of the room, looking vaguely like he’s about to be sick. 

“Louis!” Liam calls after him. He goes to follow but Zayn wraps a hand around his wrist, holding him back on the couch. 

“I got him,” Zayn whispers. Then he squeezes Liam’s wrist a bit tighter and takes off after Louis, miming smoking a cigarette to their team even though Zayn stopped smoking after he got married. 

“What do you need?” Niall is murmuring into Liam’s ear. “Do you want to get out of here? We can head over to rehearsals early.” 

“Yes, please,” Liam says back quietly, mad at Louis for leaving them behind and mad at himself for not following even after Zayn went to find him. 

“Thank you so much,” Harry’s saying to the interviewer, shaking her hand. “That was a really great interview.” 

She says something in return, but by then Niall had Liam up and almost at the door. He was telling their team something, nodding to his security guard, and leading Liam out to a waiting car all without breaking a sweat. Liam knocks Niall’s arm off of his shoulder so he can wrap his around Niall’s shoulder instead. He’s watching Niall move through all of this efficiently and without a smile and he’s reminded that fame always comes at a cost and that Niall might have paid a higher cost than any of them; a carefree attitude torn apart by too many late nights and too many Sugarscape articles. 

Their security guards push through the crowd of fans that had gathered there throughout the interview. No doubt some crew member had tweeted about them being there or had texted their daughters to tell them the news because there were hundreds of girls outside now, all screaming. Liam pastes on a smile as he and Niall are hustled through the mass and into the car. The door shuts behind them, but does little to muffle the sounds of screaming. Niall looks a bit washed out but no worse for the wear. Liam runs a soothing hand up and down his back. 

“Should be me doing that to you, mate,” Niall says when his breathing evens out a bit more. 

“Nah,” Liam protests as they belt in and the car starts moving. “I owe you for getting me out of there.” 

“You would have done the same for me,” Niall argues. “Have, in fact.” 

“‘s what brothers do, yeah?” Liam pats Niall on the back before removing his hand. 

They ride in comfortable silence for a few minutes before Niall asks, “Do you want to talk about it?” 

“Not really.” Liam shrugs. His mobile buzzes in his pocket and he’s almost afraid to check it, knowing that it won’t be Louis even though he wishes it would be. “He stormed out and I let him. It’s been happening a lot lately.” 

“Li…” 

“It’s nothing, okay? It’s better than fighting with him even more. I’d rather he just walk away than yell at me about something I _didn’t do_.” 

“Right. But what are you gonna do when he walks away for good?” Niall asks, voice so quiet that Liam almost misses it. 

“I don’t know, Niall,” Liam answers honestly. “I guess just. Keep going.” 

Niall makes a sound in the back of his throat, almost like he’s trying not to cry, then he unbuckles his seat belt and slides across the seat to pull Liam into a cuddle.

\----

“Alright, lads, we’ve got to pick six more songs for the set list and then we can move into actually rehearsing them.” Marco doesn’t even look at them as he says it, just keeps tapping away on his phone.

“Thanks for all the help, bro,” Harry says sarcastically as he leans over to try and bat Marco’s phone out of his hands. 

“Knock it off,” Marco warns. 

“Harold, could you please focus?” Louis calls Harry back into line. It’s been so easy to let Louis lead this meeting, the way it’s always been easy to just follow Louis’s lead. 

“I don’t want to sing 'What Makes You Beautiful',” Zayn says, leaning back in his chair. “I don’t want to sing 'What Makes You Beautiful' _ever_ again.” 

“Too bad, Malik.” Niall’s lying down on his back on the table, snapback over his face. “That was my first pick. That was our first single, I love that song.” 

“Fuck you,” Louis groans out. “Why, Nialler, why? We’ve sung that song so many times.” 

“That means we have to rehearse it less, at least?” Harry tries to mediate. “And that means we only have five songs left to settle on.” 

“Let’s do 'Through the Dark',” Zayn suggests.

“No.” Louis and Liam say at the exact same time, both of their tones sharp. 

“Alright, assholes, calm down.” Zayn holds up his hands defensively. “Are all of the songs you guys wrote together off limits? Because that’s like, ninety percent of the fourth album.”

“No, just that one,” Liam tells him. 

“Speak for yourself,” Louis says under his breath as he crosses something off the list of their songs that he has in his hand. “I don’t want 'Safe' anywhere near our set either.” 

“That’s one of our best ballads!” Niall protests. “And it was in my top five!” 

“I wrote it, I decide,” Louis says, voice dripping with finality. 

“Is this how this is going to work then?” Harry asks quietly from his seat. “We’re just going to fight with each other until we all fall apart?” 

“Hazza…” Zayn reaches for him, but Harry rolls his chair just out of reach. 

“No.” Harry stands up. “I don’t want to do this like this. If we’re not going to act like a _band_ then I don’t want to be apart of this. Pick whatever songs you like and come get me when we’re ready to start practicing.” With that, Harry grabs his coat and leaves the room, pulling his beanie low over his curls. 

Louis stands and goes after him before anyone can say anything, list forgotten on the table. Liam picks it up and tries to decipher Louis’s handwriting. He’s crossed off _so many_ songs. Songs they haven’t even talked about yet. Not that Liam blames him. The entire fifth album was basically Louis’s. He wrote almost every song, with some help from the rest of them of course, but it was essentially him. The fifth album was Louis’s heart and soul; Liam had only ever seen him happier one day other than the day it went to number one on the charts around the world, and that had been their wedding day. Liam looks up, suddenly exhausted of reading Louis handwriting, of still trying to figure Louis out, to find Niall and Zayn staring at him. Marco, to his credit, never looks away from his phone.

“What?” Liam asks. 

“What the fuck, mate?” Niall demands. “I thought you said that you’d sort your shit out for the tour?” 

“We are! We’re… working on it.” Liam says, but he knows how feeble that sounds. In truth, the most work he and Louis have done towards sorting themselves out is to speak less and less. Louis seems to be as sick of the fighting as Liam is, which is the first thing they’ve agreed upon in ages. 

“Well, work on it faster.” Liam flinches away from Zayn’s harsh tone. “Because shit like this can’t keep happening. We’ll never get anything done.” 

“I know, I know!” Liam pleads with them. “I’ll apologize to Harry. I’ll make this better, okay?” 

“You better,” Nialls warns. “Because if either one of you upsets Harry again, I’ll deck you both.” 

Liam just nods, knowing that he would do the same if he were in Niall’s place. Hell, he might do it in his own place. Give himself a few good slaps round the head for making one of his best friends in the world upset. 

They sit in silence until Harry and Louis come in a few minutes later, Harry looking a bit red around the eyes. Louis doesn’t meet any of their eyes as he takes his seat at the head of the table again. 

“Sorry,” Harry croaks out and his voice is rough. Niall sits up immediately and draws Harry into a hug, Zayn rolling his chair over to place a hand on Harry’s hip soothingly. 

“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for,” Liam tells him. “This isn’t your fight. It’s not fair that you keep getting dragged into it.” 

Liam expects Louis to protest, to tell him that they’re not _fighting_ , the way he always used to. _We’re not fighting, we’re having a very heated discussion,_ he would say. But now he’s silent and when Liam turns to look at him, he’s studying the list again, refusing to acknowledge anyone in the room. 

Harry gives Liam a soft smile and rounds the table to sit next to Liam. Liam reaches over and squeezes Harry’s hand gently and it takes a moment, but Harry squeezes back and Liam knows he’s forgiven. That’s always how it’s been with the five of them, short fuses and easy forgiveness, always careful that their words won’t leave marks behind. 

“We’re almost done, let’s just finish this, yeah?” Louis redirects their attention back to the task at hand. “Five more songs, lads.” 

“I want to sing 'Electric',” Liam speaks up even though he knows what Louis will say. 

“No,” Louis snaps. 

“I wrote it and I want to sing it. It was a single, for God’s sake, Louis,” Liam argues. 

“Louis…” Harry’s voice is soft but heavy with meaning. He and Louis share a long look and Louis sighs. 

“Fine.” Louis gives in, circling the song on the list. He raises his eyebrows and pointedly doesn’t look at Liam when he says, “Next.”

\----

“ _Fucking_ hell.” Niall whistles long and low where the five of them are huddled backstage, peeking out to see a sold-out O2 arena.

“We did it.” Zayn’s grinning hasn’t stopped for hours now and it’s almost disarming. “We did it. We’re fucking back.” 

“And better than ever!” Harry adds. 

Louis crosses his arms over his chest and glances at Liam. Liam can practically hear the _let’s not get ahead of ourselves there_ that Louis, thankfully, keeps to himself. 

“You’re on in five, boys,” Heath, their new tour manager, tells them. 

Liam looks around at his boys -- his men, really, now, but to him they’ll always be boys. The five of them will never stop being eighteen, nineteen, twenty and living every bit and piece of their dream. The five of them will never stop being twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two and standing on top of the world. He looks around at the family he found on the set of a show they didn’t win, smiles, and says, “Shall we?” 

They circle up, hands in the middle, one on top of the other. Liam puts his in first and doesn’t meet Louis’s eye when Louis, very deliberately, waits to put his hand in last. They go through their pre-show rituals, a bit rusty, but still there. Still as settling and grounding as they were ten years ago. Liam feels sixteen again, ready to walk out onto the X-Factor stage as a band for the first time; ready to sing with these boys. So much has changed since then, but the butterflies are still there. Liam’s skin is still humming with the adrenaline and excitement that comes with performing on a stage with the four best people he has ever known. 

They run out on to the stage and Liam’s hit with a wall of screams and heat, blinded by the lights. He lifts his microphone up to his mouth as the band start in on their first song and shouts, “London! Are you ready?!” 

The screams, somehow, get even louder and Liam can't feel his face he's smiling so much. Fuck, he has missed this. He'd almost forgotten how much he loved being on stage, performing for people. 

They jump into 'Kiss You', Zayn lifting his mic up to start singing as the rest of them spread out around the stage. Liam tries not to notice that Louis has gone as far away from him as possible. Tries not to notice the way Louis was lit up and buzzing in a way he hasn't been in months around Liam. Harry picks up the verse when Zayn fades out, throwing his arm around Liam and singing into his face. Liam laughs and pinches at Harry's side as they break into the chorus. 

It's just like Liam remembers it but _better_ because it isn't happening as fast. He's not seventeen and just leaving home, caught up in a whirlwind of screaming girls and money and record deals. He's twenty-seven and singing on a stage with the four best friends he's ever had and the man he loves and it's so nice to know that dreams don't always have to die. He's gone through so much with these boys and this band and for a few years he'd resented what it had done to him and to them. He'd despised the way they couldn't even breathe without some magazine publishing an article about how they hated each other or about some girl they were sleeping with. He'd even blamed the fans for a little while, for turning him into someone who was so angry at something he'd wanted for so long. But here -- now -- he doesn't feel anything but love and happiness and joy. This is what he lives for. This has always been what he lived for. And it's even better than he remembered. 

It isn't until about halfway through the show that things start to get rough. The opening chords of Electric come through the speakers and Liam watches Louis freeze where he's standing next to Niall, back going rigid and his free hand clenching into a fist. Louis turns to look at Liam as he starts the song, Louis’ eyes dangerous and lips pressed firmly together. 

During the chorus of the song, Louis makes his way across the stage to press himself against Liam's side. The crowd screams louder than it has all night as Louis's arm comes around Liam's waist. Liam tries not to trip over the words as the five of them sing in harmony: "It's electric, I'm on fire. You got my stomach full of butterflies. It's like static, when we touch. It's that rollar coaster kind of rush. You got me feeling electric and on fire... OW!" 

It's painful to have Louis hold him so close while they sing this song. He wrote this song for Louis, for how Louis had made him feel when they were first falling in love. He remembers the first time he showed the song to Louis, the way his voice had wavered as he sang the words out loud for the first time. The way Louis had gathered him in close when he was finished; the way Louis had spent the next three days almost glued to Liam's side, murmuring about how much he loved Liam every chance he had gotten. A week later, Liam had asked Louis to marry him. 

On stage, Louis presses himself even closer to Liam, mouth at Liam's ear when he says, "Remember that you wanted this song, babe." And then he's gone, crossing the stage to try and mess with Zayn's hair (some things have never and will never change) and Liam's left staring after him, confused and upset. So much so that he almost misses his cue to start singing with Niall over the verse. When he finishes with their verse, he looks over at Louis, but it's too late. Louis's forgotten all about him, won't even look at him. 

They get to the bridge and Louis takes over, singing: "We're electric, we're on fire. Your love is taking me higher. It's like static, when we touch. You give me that rollar coaster kind of rush. We're electric, I'm on fire with you." Louis points at Liam, and for a second Liam sees what the audience must see. He sees his husband, wedding band glinting under the lights, pointing to him as he sings a song that means so much to the both of them. And then that image flickers away and Liam sees Louis as he truly is in this moment: smile sharp and a cruel wink. 

They finish the song and they finish the concert and Liam can't help but spend the entire second half thinking about how his marriage is about to finish too.

\----

On the bus that night traveling to Edinburgh, Liam can't sleep. Louis passed out almost as soon as they got on the bus at the end of the concert, Harry following suit not long after. Niall was on the other bus with Josh, and would switch back over to sleep when they stopped at a rest stop. Liam was up by himself in the back lounge, XBox controller in his hand as he played a few rounds of FIFA.

"Hey man, mind some company?" Zayn's in the doorway, hair still damp and clinging to his forehead from his shower earlier. Liam’s surprised to see him, the last he knew Zayn had been on Skype with Perrie.

"Sure," Liam says. He pauses the game as Zayn comes into the room to sit beside him. "How's Perrie?" 

"She's good," Zayn tells him, turning his phone over and over in his lap. "How are you?" 

"I'm good." Liam hands Zayn one of the other game controllers and restarts the game. He keeps talking as they go through the menu screens and pick their teams. "I didn't realize how much I'd missed it, you know? Performing and singing." 

"Me too, man." Zayn laughs as he begins to quickly but thoroughly decimate Liam's team on the field. "Felt good, being up there with you guys again." 

"It felt amazing," Liam agrees, swearing under his breath as Zayn scores the first point of the match. It's not even been two minutes. "I hate playing video games with you." 

Zayn chuckles, stealing the ball away from Liam and racing down the pitch, though Liam manages to stop him before he gets close to the goal again. "But you know that's not what I meant." 

"Yeah, I know," Liam says, not taking his eyes off the screen even though he can feel Zayn watching him every few seconds. 

"It didn't." Zayn stops and Liam can't help but feel that when he steals the ball away from Zayn's player that Zayn let him do it. "It didn't feel any different than like, before? You and Louis, I mean." 

Liam snorts out a rough laugh. "It's nothing like before, Zayn." 

"Have you tried like, apologizing?" Zayn asks. Liam pauses the game to gape at him. 

"No, Zayn," Liam says sarcastically. "I hadn't thought about that." 

"Don't be a dick, Li," Zayn says, putting his controller down. "You can be just as stubborn as him sometimes. If you didn't think you did anything wrong, you might have thought you didn't need to apologize or summat." 

"I _haven't_ done anything wrong," Liam insists, "but I still apologized. I haven't stopped apologizing. I would do anything to fix this, but he won't let me." 

"For what it's worth," Zayn slides closer on the couch, wraps an arm around Liam's shoulder, pulling at Liam until Liam's head is resting on Zayn's shoulder, "I think the two of you are the best thing that ever happened to each other. Besides me, of course." 

"Do you wanna watch a movie?" Liam manages to ask around the lump in his throat. It feels like he hasn't spoken clearly in weeks, throat always clogged up with tears he refuses to shed. 

"Sure, mate." 

Liam gets up and puts on the newest _Captain America_. He comes back to the couch and curls up with Zayn, pulling a blanket off the back of the couch and over them. 

"You've always reminded me of Cap, you know," Zayn says a little ways into the movie. 

"What do you mean?" Liam tilts his head down to meet Zayn's eye. 

Zayn shrugs. "You're just. Cap always does what he knows is right, yeah? And sometimes it's the hardest thing, doing what's right, but he always figures out how to do the right thing in the end. Even if it takes him a long time to get there." 

"Zayn..." 

"I mean it, Liam. You're Cap. You always do good." 

Liam pulls Zayn in closer, pressing a kiss to the top of Zayn's head.

\----

Their first hotel night is a few days later in Dublin. Niall's practically vibrating as they pull up to it. He's been bouncing off the walls since their plane landed. He'd been home a few times, but he hadn't performed in Ireland since the band had stopped.

"Hey, Niall, mate," Louis says as he shoulders his overnight bag to bring into the hotel with him. "Are you excited to perform in Ireland?"

"Fuck off." Niall laughs, his own bag over his shoulder. 

There are a few fans waiting for them outside, more like it had been when they were first starting out rather than what it had been like when they were finishing. 

The door opens and Heath comes onto the bus, clipboard in hand. "Alright, guys, I have some room keys for you. It's up to you whether or not you want to stop for pictures on the way in, but there aren't many of them out there so we think it'll be calm enough for you. Okay. This one is... Harry. Here’s Niall’s. Zayn’s. And Liam and Louis." 

"No," Louis bursts out. "No, absolutely not. I'm not sharing a room with him." 

Heath raises his eyebrows at Louis, lips pursing in annoyance. Liam wonders how long it will take for the new crew to get used to them, to how they are. Liam wonders if the new crew ever _will_ get used to them the way Paul and Lou and Preston had. Heath glances at his clipboard and then back up at Louis. "We booked this hotel before you and Liam informed us of your... issues. We'll see what we can do about the rest of the tour, but there isn't anything we can do tonight without it being the headline of The Sun tomorrow morning." 

"It's fine," Liam interrupts before Louis can continue on his tirade. "We'll make it work for tonight." Liam takes the envelope with their hotel keys in it, giving Louis a look before stepping off of the bus, Harry following close behind. 

"You can always kip with one of us, mate." Harry offers, sliding his sunglasses onto his face despite the fact that the sun is almost setting. 

"It'll be fine," Liam repeats. "We've been sharing a house for months, he'll get over it for one night." 

Harry studies him for a second though Liam can't read his expression behind the sunglasses. "Alright. What do you say? Want to stop and see some fans?"

Liam shrugs, doesn’t really see a reason why they shouldn’t. He and Harry approach the small group of girls and a few guys that are waiting for them. 

“Hi, love, you alright?” Harry greets one of their fans, pressing his cheek up against hers so she can take a selfie with her mobile. 

Liam does the same, chatting with a few of the fans before taking a picture with them and signing phone cases and shirts and whatever else they have on hand. 

“Where’s Louis?” one girl asks. “Can I get a picture with you and Louis? You guys are so cute!” 

“Louis’s a bit tired from traveling,” Liam says. He’d gotten good at making excuses for Louis over the years. When the fans had become too much, when so many of them had turned against him and Liam just for loving each other, Louis had retreated from them. Liam had tried to fight back with kindness. Still stopping for pictures and treating the fans exactly as he always had. He ignored the mean signs and refused to autograph anything for the ruder fans, but he hadn’t shied away. Louis had been worth fighting for back then. Louis had been worth protecting. He’s still both of those things, but Liam isn’t the one Louis wants doing that anymore. “He might be down a bit later, but I expect he’s going in for a nap right now.” 

“And miss taking pictures with our wonderful fans and my lovely husband? It’s like you don’t know me at all, Li.” Louis’s voice comes from behind Liam. Liam whirls around, sees the mean set to Louis’s jaw that he’s sure the fans miss. He hears the cruelty behind Louis’s words, the accusation that Liam really doesn’t know anything about Louis anymore. Liam fights to keep from physically bristling. 

“Oh my god!” the girl squeals. “Hi, Louis! I’m a huge fan! I have been for years. I’m so glad you guys are back.” 

“It feels good to be back, love,” Louis answers. He steps up beside Liam, pressing against Liam’s side as they lean in to take a picture with her. She thanks them profusely before stepping back to let the next fan take her place for a picture. 

Half an hour or so later, Liam lets him and Louis into the hotel room they’ll be sharing. 

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Louis demands when he sees that there is only one bed in the room. 

Liam runs a hand over his face, so tired of all of this. 

Louis, however, seems to be anything but tired. He throws his overnight bag on the bed and pulls out his phone, muttering something about calling Heath and getting this sorted right away, he doesn’t fucking care how much of a scandal it makes. 

“Can’t you just leave it?” Liam finally bursts out. “I’ll sleep on the bloody floor, Louis, Jesus Christ. Just stop. Just stop acting like spending time with me is the worst thing in the whole world.” 

Louis freezes, stares at Liam as if Liam had just told him he’d found the cure for cancer or something. “Why not? You’ve made it very clear that you do not want to spend time with me. Not anymore.” 

“That’s not true! You know that that isn’t true.” 

“There are a lot of things I thought were true that aren’t anymore,” Louis says, tone ice cold. “What’s one more thing?” 

With that, Louis storms out, pushing past Liam roughly. Liam’s sure he would have slammed the door too if it wasn’t the kind that shut slowly by itself. 

Liam sighs and crosses the room to sit on the edge of the bed. He looks around his empty hotel room with his one bed and he wants to scream. He wants to chase after Louis and shake him until Louis tells him what he did wrong, until Louis tells Liam why he doesn’t believe him. He wants to chase after Louis and pull him into a hug and never let go. He wants to chase after Louis and fix this, all of this. 

He sits on the bed and looks around his empty hotel room and wants to scream.

\----

They have separate beds in Portugal and Spain, but Heath still insists on them sharing a room.

“We don’t want any rumors while you’re still on tour,” he keeps repeating. Liam kind of wants to punch him. 

Liam and Louis haven’t really spoken since their fight in Ireland. They stay away from each other on stage as much as possible and while some fans have noticed, most seem to write it off as something they do to keep from ripping each other’s clothes off then and there. Liam wishes that they were right. He misses the days where all Louis wanted to do was tear off his clothes. Now all Louis wants to do is tear him apart. 

They’re in France when an interviewer finally brings it up. 

“What’s this we’ve heard about you two getting a hotel room with two beds?” The interviewer directs his question at Louis and Liam, who are sitting on a couch together, despite Louis’s efforts earlier to sit with Harry and Niall instead. Heath had stood his ground, insisting that Louis sit with Liam and behave himself. The interviewer smiles conspiratorially with Louis and Liam, who don’t smile back, and asks, “Trouble in paradise, maybe?” 

Liam shoots a glance at Heath, who is already yelling at the proper people. But this is a live interview so there isn’t much he can do for them now. 

“Liam kicks in his sleep,” Louis covers easily. “So when it gets too bad, one of us will just move to the other bed.” 

The interviewer looks a bit suspicious still. “Do you lads have separate beds at home, too?” 

“We have a guest room,” Liam supplies, glancing at Louis out of the corner of his eye to make sure what he’s saying is okay. “But other than that, no.” 

“Do the two of you still find time to you know… be proper marrieds while on tour?” The interviewer is relentless, clearly taking advantage of the fact that they're live and the boys have an image to maintain. 

“Well, seeing as we are properly married,” Louis says, voice clipped as he picks up Liam’s left hand with his right and holds up his own left hand, showing off their rings. “Anything we do is being proper marrieds. So yes. We find plenty of time to play FIFA together and have domestics over the fact that Liam puts sugar in his tea.” 

Luckily, Harry steps in, smoothly guiding the conversation to their concert that night in Paris. Liam could kiss him, honestly. He feels Louis practically vibrating with anger next to him and reaches around behind him to place a hand over Louis’s hip securely. Louis looks up at him, a confused expression on his face, but he still settles. 

_Thank you_ , Liam mouths to him, squeezing his hip gently. 

Louis studies Liam for a second and Liam holds his breath, knows that this moment might be a game changer for them; hopes that this will be a turning point. But Louis just nods and looks away, shift just enough to dislodge Liam’s hand from his side. Liam retracts his arm slowly, disappointment clawing up from his stomach. 

Heath doesn’t stop apologizing for the interviewer’s behavior even as they climb into the van that will take them to the venue for the show that night. 

“It’s fine,” Liam finally snaps at him. Zayn’s head whips around to look at Liam at his tone and Liam turns a bit red from his own rudeness. “We’ve had much worse. We’re friends with James Corden for God’s sake.” 

Heath seems to be placated, though he still looks a bit unnerved by the whole thing. They might have trained him how to put up with their boyband antics, but they clearly hadn’t taught him how to protect them the way Paul had always done. Liam misses Paul fiercely in that moment. 

When they get to the venue, the five of them grab some lunch from catering, starving from doing interviews all day after only a quick breakfast at the hotel. 

“Bro,” Zayn says, coming up to Liam with a full plate in his hands. Liam balances his own plate as he grabs a soda off the table. “Want to eat with me?” 

“I thought we were all eating together?” 

Zayn shrugs, barely glancing over his shoulder. “I saw a door that lead to the roof. Figured I’d chill up there until we have to get ready.”

Liam looks over to where Louis is already seated at the table, head bent close to Harry’s as they talk about something. He nods at Zayn and Zayn grins and leads the way out of the room. They climb the stairs together and walk out onto the roof, go to stand at the edge and gaze out over what they can see of Paris. 

“It’s beautiful. I’d almost forgotten.” Zayn says. 

"It was easy, at the end," Liam says, "to forget how beautiful everything was. How lucky we all were." 

"How lucky we still are," Zayn corrects, popping a crisp in his mouth and chewing loudly. "Still got each other, don't we?" 

"For how much longer?" 

"Shut up, man. You guys will sort it. You always do. 'S not like this is the first time you and Louis have fought." 

"We've never fought like this though." Liam sits down, using the small lip that runs around the edge of the roof as a table for his plate. "We usually yell at each other for a bit and then make up. We're not even yelling this time. We just don't talk at all." 

Zayn sits down as well, a thoughtful expression on his face. "So what's different about this fight?" 

"I don't know! It's like he just doesn't care anymore. It's like he decided one morning he didn't want to be married to me anymore and that's that. I know I fucked up letting that guy into our house, but for him not to believe me _still_? I don't know. It just feels like he was looking for a reason and I gave him one." 

"I'm sorry, Li. I really thought you guys would make it." 

"Me too." 

They eat the rest of their food in silence as the sun begins to set over Paris. And the longer Liam sits there, the less beautiful the city seems.

\----

They make it through the Netherlands and Denmark without much incident. Louis and Liam put on a good show every night and an even better show during interviews and photoshoots. Louis had demanded that Heath give him and Liam an adjoining room to one of the other boys after France and Louis sneaks through that door every night to sleep in a room that doesn't have Liam in it. It hurts like a bitch, but Liam breathes a bit easier now that he doesn't have Louis's eyes watching him 24/7 like he’s waiting for Liam to slip up again.

They're in Sweden when Harry finally corners Liam. That sounds bad, sounds like Liam has been avoiding Harry and he _hasn't_. It's not possible to avoid someone you share a tour bus with, someone who sleeps in the bunk below yours. And if Liam has made sure that there is always someone else in the room before going into any room that has Harry in it, well. That's not _technically_ avoiding him. It's just that Louis has been spending a lot of time with Harry lately and they promised not to drag the boys into the middle. If it’s easier for Harry to just take Louis’ side then that’s how it’s going to be because Liam won't make this harder on any of them than it has to be. 

Liam had come out to this field after the show, just needing a break. He wanted to go somewhere quiet where he could feel small and insignificant and just wallow for a bit. Paddy had given him a long look, the same kind he'd given Liam whenever he thought Liam was keeping something from him when they were on tour all those years ago, before directing the driver to this field. He had stayed in the car with the driver while Liam got out and made his way to the center of the field, lying down and staring up at the sky. The car was far enough away to give Liam his space, but close enough that Liam could get back to them safely if fans somehow figured out where he was. 

"You know," Harry's voice startles Liam, "this is the field where I wrote 'Happily.'" 

"Jesus, Haz," Liam says, sitting up and putting a hand over his heart. He hadn’t heard Harry approaching. "You almost gave me a heart attack." 

Harry ignores Liam's bait the same way Liam had ignored his. Harry sings softly, "I don't care what people say when we're together, you're the hands I wanna hold when I take that leap. I just want it to be the five of us forever, I never wanna leave so come on stay with me so happily." 

"Clever," Liam comments, sitting up as Harry sits down beside him, their shoulders brushing. 

Harry's smile was almost sad. "Those were the original words. But they didn't work like, musically." 

"You never told us that." 

Harry shrugs. "Didn't really matter. I changed it almost right after I wrote it." 

Liam knocks their shoulders together roughly. "You wrote us all a love song." 

"I've let Niall have all the credit for too long," Harry jokes, his smile turning happier for just a second. "I've never had friends like you guys before. Ones I wanted to keep around forever and who I knew felt the same way about me." 

Quiet falls between them then and its not uncomfortable. Silences between the five of them stopped being awkward years and years ago. This silence is expectant. It's the kind that only exists to be ended. 

When Harry does speak, it's not what Liam was preparing himself for. All Harry lets out is a tiny whispered, "I miss you." 

"Harry --" 

"I get it," Harry interrupts. "I mean, I know why you've been avoiding me. You think I'm on Louis' side." 

"I wouldn't blame you if you were," Liam tells him honestly. "I know how you two are." 

Harry nods, biting at his lip before he says, "Yeah. But you and I. Did you forget how we are? Louis is my best friend, but so are you, Li. I'm not taking sides in this." 

Liam looks over at Harry, at the honesty all over his face, and he wants to cry. He thought he was going to lose Harry too, but here Harry was, reassuring Liam just as much as Liam loved him. And just as much as he loved Louis. 

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have thought you would." 

Harry tilts his head up towards the sky. "I would've done the same, probably." 

Liam looks up at the sky as well, letting silence fall again. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Harry asks eventually after they've stretched out on their backs in the grass. 

"I don't really know what else there is to say," Liam admits. "His lawyer is drawing up the divorce papers and sending them to my lawyer next week to go over. After that all we have left to do is sign them and all of this will be over." 

"You really think signing a piece of paper will solve everything?" 

"No." Liam lets out a dry laugh. "But maybe not being married to him will make him stop hating me at least." 

"He doesn't hate you." 

"Yes, he does. Some of the things he's said, Haz? He has to hate me. You don't say things like that to someone you love." 

"Sometimes," Harry starts and then pauses. He starts again after a long moment. "Sometimes we say the worst things to the ones we love the most because we don't want to get hurt first. It's sometimes easier to hurt the ones we love most because we know exactly how to hurt them best." 

Liam studies Harry carefully in the moonlight. “Is everything okay with you and -” 

“We’re not talking about me,” Harry interrupts, voice firm. “We’re talking about you and Louis and what idiots you’re being.” 

“Harry… I know that you guys all want me and Louis to just like, kiss and make up and go back to normal, but that isn’t going to happen.” 

Harry scoffs. “Everything already _is_ back to normal, Liam. Or like, the normal we had before you and Louis realized you were in love. When we’re on stage every night, it’s exactly how it used to be. And even when we’re offstage things aren’t that different. At least not lately. Including you and Louis.” 

“That’s not true.” 

“Then you’re both doing a damn good job at faking it. Because he still looks at you the same way he looked at you five years ago. And it’s breaking my heart watching the two of you act like you don’t still love each other.” 

Liam swallows back his tears. It’s too hard to think about this. To even entertain the idea that Louis still looks at him - maybe even feels the same way about him - that he always has. The only thing holding Liam together at this point is knowing that the divorce is all that is left for them, that there really is nothing left to fight for. 

“I still love him,” Liam says and oh, that wasn’t what he’d meant to say. But Liam had always had a problem being anything less than absolutely honest with Harry. The media talked enough shit, Harry didn’t need it from his boys, too. 

“I know you do.” 

“But I can’t keep fighting with him, Haz. It’s too hard and I’m just so done with it all.” 

“Not everything worth having is easy. Sometimes you have to fight for the things you really want.” 

Liam smiles a bit and says, “You sound like you’re writing a song.” 

“Well, this is the field where I wrote ‘Happily.’ And ‘Let You Down.’ It’s inspirational.” 

“I didn’t realize you wrote two songs here.” 

“I came out here to do some writing tonight, but then I saw you and…” Harry gestures around. 

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize.” 

“Don’t worry about it.” Harry lays back down, hands behind his head and he looks so peaceful under the light of the moon. It makes Liam ache for Louis, for the peacefulness that came with curling up with Louis in their bed. “Don’t really have anything to write about, I was just going to mess around.” 

“Want to mess around together?” Liam asks. 

Harry catches his eye and waggles his eyebrows. “You’re still a married man, Liam.” 

“Shut up.” Liam laughs. “Go get your guitar and your journal and let’s write a fucking song, bro.” 

Harry grins, eyes and smile bright in the dark, as he climbs to his feet and jogs off in the direction he’d originally come from. He returns a few minutes later with two guitars and his journal. 

“Why do you have two guitars?” Liam demands as Harry hands him one and sits down across from him in the grass. “Did you plan this?” 

Harry just smirks and strums his guitar. “Let’s write a fucking song, bro.” 

__

\----

To Liam’s surprise, Louis is in their shared hotel room when he gets back from writing with Harry. The sun is starting to creep up over the horizon and Liam’s entire body feels like dead weight. He didn’t expect Louis to be there, but he does expect the startled jump and glare he gets when he lets the door slam closed behind him.

“Sorry,” Liam says, voice quiet even though the damage has already been done. “I didn’t think you’d be here.” 

“‘s my room, Liam,” Louis tells him, snark softened by the slur of sleep. 

“I know that. You just haven’t been spending a whole lot of time in rooms that also have me in them.” 

“Did you fuck someone tonight?” Louis asks, ignoring Liam. 

“What?” 

Louis sits all the way up in bed and Liam sighs to himself because if Louis’s awake then there’s no chance that Liam is going to get to sleep anytime soon. Louis's voice is sharp. "You've been out all night and you come creeping back in at dawn looking like you're about to fall over, so I was just wondering if this is what you look like after you fuck someone else." 

"Oh, fuck you, Louis." Liam says, completely wiped after writing with Harry. It had ended with Liam's head tucked against Harry's shoulder, tears soaking into Harry's shirt as Liam whispered out words for Harry to put into their song. 

“No thanks,” Louis says, voice mean. “I don’t want to be your sloppy seconds.” 

“You know that isn’t true,” Liam argues, even though he knows it’s pointless. Everything with Louis feels so fucking pointless. 

“I don’t want to do this.” Louis says, abruptly, like he isn’t the one that started it. “Can you just go kip with Niall or Zayn or someone for the night?” 

Liam turns on his heel without saying anything else and leaves, deciding that he needs sleep more than he needs more scars from fighting with Louis. He knocks on Niall’s door until Niall emerges, frowning and only in his pants. He looks like he’s about to tell Liam off for waking him, but something stops him. Liam has a strong suspicion that it’s because of the look on his face, though he purposefully looks away from the mirror as he walks past it when he follows Niall into the room. He goes to peel back the covers on the made up bed, but Niall tugs at his wrist, urging Liam to climb in on the other side of the bed that he was sleeping in. Niall manhandles Liam until Liam’s facing away from him, and then curls up behind Liam, pressing them tightly together. Liam takes a deep breath and settles back against Niall’s chest, letting Niall hold him together until he falls asleep.

\----

Liam doesn’t know how he gets through Germany, Switzerland, and Italy, but he does. He sleeps in empty hotel rooms and tries not to catch Louis’s eye whenever he sings a song they wrote together. Or when he sings a song he wrote about Louis. Or when he sings a song that Louis wrote for him. He spends a lot of their shows keeping his head down or tucked up against Zayn’s neck so that he doesn’t have to look at Louis and remember that these songs don’t mean anything anymore.

After Italy, they get a break. They’re off to North America next, but management wanted to give them a week to recuperate before flying them halfway around the world. 

He and Louis go home. The house feels cold and empty and even after they’ve been home for a few days it stays that way: cold and empty. Liam has never felt less at home and he longs, suddenly, for the tour bus where there are three other boys to fill the silences that he and Louis now leave in their wake. 

Neither of them go out much, leaving nothing for them to do but skirt around each other. If Liam can hear Louis in the kitchen, he stays in his bedroom. If Louis uses the last of the tea and doesn’t buy more, Liam doesn’t say anything. He just doesn’t want to fight anymore. He almost wishes that their lawyers would get through their paperwork faster so that he and Louis could just be done with all this. He’s so sick of walking on eggshells in his own house. 

It’s two days before they’re due to be on a plane to Ontario when Louis finally finds Liam worthy of speaking to. Liam’s just sat down to a frozen meal he’s made himself when Louis comes into the kitchen, leaning up against one of the workspaces and watching Liam. 

“What?” Liam says after he swallows his bite. 

“I just thought I should let you know that I found a house. Harry, Niall, and I went today and I found one a couple miles from here. I’m signing the paperwork for it before we leave.” 

Louis’s words hit Liam in the gut. For all that Liam just wants this to be over with he hasn’t really thought about what it will be like after. Sure, he won’t be fighting with Louis anymore, but that’s because there won’t be a Louis to fight with. 

“You bought a house?” 

“I’m _buying_ a house,” Louis corrects, but it sounds more automatic than mean. 

“What am I supposed to do with this one?” Liam is too surprised by all of this to be anything other than shaken. His voice comes out hurt and confused and he watches a flash of sympathy cross Louis’s face and he aches for it to come back. For Louis to come back. 

“I don’t know, Li.” Louis’s voice is soft like he actually is sorry for this. Like he’s sorry for buying a house and not telling Liam, like he’s sorry for leaving Liam with all of the pieces that only fit together when both of them are there. “Sell it, I guess.” 

“This is our _home_ ,” Liam argues, voice edging on desperate. “This is our house. Mine and yours. Me and you.” 

“There isn’t a me and you anymore.” Louis’s voice still sounds so sad and that just… that isn’t _fair_. Louis doesn’t get to be the sad one here. Louis is the one doing this, Louis is the one who is giving up on them, not Liam. Never Liam. 

“I don’t want to do this.” Liam confesses, eyes trained on his pasta which is cooling on the table. “I don’t want to sell the house and I don’t want to lose you. I don’t want any of this, Lou.” 

The kitchen falls silence and Liam wonders if it would be possible for the table he’s eating off of and the chair he’s sitting on to collapse from the weight of everything they’re not saying. Liam feels like he’s underwater, like he’s trying so hard to breathe but there’s just no air left. He feels heavy and vulnerable. 

When he finally looks up, Louis is gone.

\----

Louis buys his new house and they fly out to North America. Liam doesn’t say anything about what he confessed in the kitchen and neither does Louis, but it doesn’t make a difference anyway. Liam’s lawyer had called to tell Liam that the paperwork would be done and ready to sign by the time they were ready to leave America in two weeks.

The Ontario show goes by uneventfully. Their crew and the boys are used to Louis and Liam not speaking at this point. Liam sleeps more than he ever has in his life, including when he was touring while trying to plan a wedding. Louis’s the opposite, not that Liam notices. He doesn’t sleep, disappears in the middle of the nights when they’re staying on the bus and doesn’t return for hours. Liam follows him one night, finds him standing just outside the bus kicking a football around, no one else in sight. He hates himself a little for wishing that Louis had been sneaking out to see someone else, for wishing that Louis would do something wrong so that Liam could be angry instead of just sad. 

Lou and Tom fly out for New York, Lux skipping primary school and a new baby on Lou’s hip. They’d decided to have another after they’d stopped touring with One Direction and Lou bounces Charlie on her hip, cooing to him. 

“C’mon, Lou, let me hold him,” Liam pleads in the dressing room, about an hour before they go on. 

“Don’t drop my son,” Lou warns as she hands Charlie over, but her eyes are warm. 

Liam cradles Charlie against his chest, talks nonsense to him in a funny voice. “Hello, Charlie. I’m your Uncle Liam. Or I would be if your mum would ever call and let me babysit.” 

Louis walks in just then and Liam focuses very hard on not letting his arms tighten around Charlie. His body goes on the defensive every time Louis walks into a room these days and Liam hates it. Hates that his body is betraying him. 

“Oh,” Louis says, eyes widening as he takes in the scene in front of him. It almost looks as if he’s about to cry and Liam is very confused. “I didn’t -- Hi, Charlie. Hi, sweet boy.” 

Louis comes across the room to stand by Liam and Liam watches him carefully, wary of any sudden movements or sharp words. But there don’t seem to be any forthcoming. Louis is staring at Charlie, cooing at him and making faces. Almost unconsciously, his hand comes up and tangles with Liam’s where it’s resting against Charlie’s back. 

“Look at the pair of you,” Lou says and now it looks like she’s going to cry. “Always thought you’d make the best dads in the world.” 

Something in her words seems to burn Louis. Or maybe he just realized that he’d been touching Liam because he pulls his hand away quickly.

“I have to go,” he says, voice almost frantic. “I told Niall we’d have a kick about before we went on.” 

With that, he all but races from the room and Liam is left to wonder, yet again, what it is that he did wrong.

\----

They play to a sold out Madison Square Garden and it’s everything Liam remembers it being, if not more. Afterwards, they go out to a bar where there are just so _many_ people; celebrities everywhere, handing Liam drinks and congratulating him on a great comeback. He knows he’s past his limit and probably making an ass of himself, but it feels _good_. It feels good having people tell him how awesome he is. It feels good having people smile at him and clamber all over him for his attention. He’s missed the feeling of being wanted.

Louis comes over not long after Liam has stopped counting his drinks and wraps an arm around Liam’s waist. The rational part of Liam’s brain sends out question marks, but Liam is too dizzy and happy to worry about what this means for them. He just wants to revel in this moment of Louis touching him by choice. 

“Want you,” Louis leans in to murmur in Liam’s ear, voice pitched low and a bit husky. “Want you so bad. Want you to drag me off to the loo and make me get on my knees for you. Want you to bend me over that table and fuck me where everyone can see.” 

Liam feels heat coil in his belly, different from the heat of the alcohol. He wants Louis so badly. Louis’s hands feel like they’re everywhere on Liam’s body, cool points of contact against his overheated skin and Liam palms a hand over Louis’s hip when he turns to him to say, “Let’s get out of here.” 

They stumble out of the club that they’d been herded into after their show. Liam thinks he sees Zayn raising his eyebrows at them at one point, but he ignores it in favor of paying attention to the way that Louis’s hands have slipped under his shirt. They separate long enough to avoid any indecent paparazzi pictures, but as soon as the car door closes, Louis plants himself firmly in Liam’s lap. Liam threads his hands into Louis’s hair and pulls him into a deep kiss.

They pull up to their hotel and their driver clears his throat loudly as he holds the door open for them. Liam reminds himself to have Heath pay the guy extra for this. He and Louis pull themselves together enough to get through the small crowd of fans that are waiting for them, but Liam is sure they don’t pull off casual as well as they think they do. They’re both off their arses and Louis’s hair looks like Liam’s been running his hands through it while they made out in the back of a town car. 

The lift is empty when it opens in front of them and Louis hisses out a “thank fuck” before pulling Liam in and kissing him fiercely. 

“Shirt off,” Liam grunts when the lift dings at their floor. “Get your shirt off, I wanna touch you.” 

Louis guides them backwards in the direction of their hotel room, all the while pulling his top off over his head. His arms get tangled, so Liam is left to fish the room key out of Louis’s pocket (he may get distracted by groping Louis’s bum for a minute) and get them into the room. Louis’s shirt hits the floor as soon as they’re through the door. His belt follows as the door swings shut and then Louis is dropping his trousers and standing there in just a pair of pants, staring at Liam like he wants to absolutely devour him. 

Liam drunkenly pulls at his own clothes until they join Louis’s on the floor before he pulls Louis in by his hips so their groins are pressed flush against each other. They’re both half-hard and Louis makes a soft whining noise as he grinds against Liam’s hip, seeking friction as his cock grows harder. 

“Bed,” Louis commands. “C’mon, Liam, _bed_.” 

Liam is more than happy to oblige, pushing Louis back and stumbling after him until he’s holding himself up above Louis, their noses just brushing. 

“Fuck me?” Louis’s voice goes up at the end, turning it into a question. 

“God, yes,” Liam hisses out and leaves to grab lube out of his bag, leaving Louis to protest in the middle of the bed. 

Liam returns and drags Louis up into a heated kiss, pressing his tongue into Louis’s mouth in a poor imitation of what of he really wants to be doing. 

“Come on, Li,” Louis urges. “I want you inside me.” 

Liam uncaps the lube and pours a generous amount into his palm. He slicks his fingers up generously; they haven’t done this in a while and Liam wants it to be good. He isn’t drunk enough that he forgets just how fragile he and Louis still are. He wants to make this so good that Louis will call his lawyer and cancel the divorce before he’s even come. 

Liam works Louis open slowly, makes Louis beg and writhe on the bed. Every other word is “Liam” or “more.” Liam thinks he might be able to come just from the sound of Louis’s voice gasping over his name. He’s missed this so fucking much. 

“Are you ready for me?” Liam asks when he’s three fingers deep in Louis. His other hand is gripping Louis’s hip tightly, keeping him pinned to the bed. Liam hopes that there are bruises tomorrow; he hopes that there is proof that this happened, that he didn’t drunkenly imagine it all. 

“Condom,” Louis says on a whoosh of air as Liam pulls his fingers free. 

“What?” 

“Get a condom.” 

“We haven’t used a condom in years, Louis.” Liam says, more surprised than defiant. It’s just… they haven’t. They’d both gotten tested during the fourth world tour and once they’d both found out they were clean, they’d rented the honeymoon suite in one of the hotels they were staying at and fucked the entire night away. 

"We haven't needed to in years." Louis's voice has turned cruel now and he sits up, pushing Liam off. 

"Why are you punishing me? You _know_ I didn't fuck that guy." 

"I don't know anything anymore, Liam." Louis sighs and slides out of the bed. He disappears into the bathroom and in the silence he leaves behind Liam hears the door lock. 

It's more alcohol than anything else that leads Liam to get off the bed and lean against the bathroom door, cheek pressed up against the wood. "You know me." 

Liam doesn't expect an answer so he nearly misses it when Louis responds, "I thought I did." 

"What changed, Louis? What did I do?" Liam slides down the door, head swimming and pressure building in his forehead as he fights to keep from crying. "When did you stop loving me? Because I haven't stopped loving you." 

"I know you haven't," comes Louis's voice. 

"But you have." 

Liam waits longer for this response than any of the others and when it comes it's quiet, whispered through the door. Liam pictures Louis sitting on the other side of the door, curled up against it the way that he is, eyes closed as Louis confesses, "Of course I haven't." 

"Then why are you doing this? Why are you treating me like you have?" 

"I think you should go." Louis's voice breaks over the last word and Liam's heart clenches. “We just don’t want the same things anymore.”

"Let me in, Lou. Please let me in. I want _you_. Don’t you want me, too?" 

"I can't do this anymore, Liam. I need you to go." 

Liam doesn’t really know where he finds the strength to pull himself off the floor and pull a pair of jogging bottoms on, but he does it. He stumbles out of the room and waits outside of Zayn’s room until Zayn appears in the hallway an hour or so later, plastered and smiling. His smile dies when he sees Liam and Liam hates that he’s making Zayn sad, too. 

“Mind if I stay with you?” Liam asks. 

Zayn just opens his door and gestures for Liam to go in ahead of him. Liam curls up in one of the beds and pretends to be asleep when Zayn asks him what’s wrong. He wouldn’t know how to answer, anyways; wouldn’t know where to begin.

\----

“Try not to get papped smoking joints this time, yeah?” is Heath’s only real request as they climb onto the boat they’ve rented for the day in Miami.

“It’s legal in like, four states now,” Louis argues. 

“Yeah, but not this one.” Heath replies firmly. Louis just rolls his eyes and climbs onto the boat. Liam has a strong suspicion that Louis has at least four joints already rolled and ready to go. Louis is a big fan of getting high on boats. 

“We’ll be fine, mate,” Harry assures Heath, clapping him on the shoulder. “Keep our heads down and all that.” 

Something in Harry’s voice must actually reassure Heath because he just nods and leaves them to it. 

“Still got that Styles charm, I see,” Liam jokes as they climb on board, side by side. 

Harry’s answering smile is tight and Liam is reminded of the night in Sweden, when Harry said he didn’t want to talk about it. Liam wonders if everything is alright; curses himself for being so wrapped up in all of his and Louis’s shit that he hasn’t asked about Harry again. 

“No, Malik, no!” Louis is yelling. “We agreed no mobiles. No technology. This is lads time.” 

“Fuck you, Louis, not all of us get to bring our wives everywhere we go. I’m just wishing Pez a good night.” Zayn responds and then freezes, eyes going comically wide and Liam would laugh but not much is funny anymore. 

Louis is looking a Liam, too, wide-eyed and scared, like he’s afraid what Zayn said will set Liam off. They’ve been tiptoeing around each other for the past four days, since that night in New York and Liam doesn’t really know what to do with Louis anymore. It looks like Louis feels the same way about Liam. 

“I’m offended that you think I’m the wife in this situation,” Liam finally jokes. “Louis is definitely my wife.” 

“Don’t be so close-minded, darling,” Louis jokes back. “We’re both the wife.” 

The tension in the air cuts instantly and everyone visibly relaxes, Liam included. He’d been worried, anxious about spending this much time with Louis somewhere where they can’t really get away from each other, but maybe they can do this. Maybe they can hold it together for today and enjoy the time they have with the lads. Enjoy the time they have left with each other. 

It’s a beautiful day to spend on a boat. Liam can feel his shoulders and the tip of his nose burning in the sun but he doesn’t mind. There’s an ache in his cheeks from smiling so much and from squinting in the sunlight but he doesn’t care. He’s on a boat with his four favorite people in the world (and their captain, who has, smartly, locked the door to his cabin so Louis and Zayn can’t get in) and he’s going to enjoy every second of it. 

“Alright, boys, it’s been a while, but I think it’s time that High Direction makes its triumphant return,” Louis says a few hours into the day when they’ve all stripped down to just their bathing suits and are laid out on the front of the boat. Liam had just been contemplating jumping into the water for a bit, but this works too. 

“Hand it here,” Zayn commands, pulling a lighter out of his swimming bottoms. He had stopped smoking, but had never stopped carrying a lighter. He’d picked up a habit of playing with his lighters whenever he was nervous and that had never really gone away. Liam is reminded, again, of everything they gave up and is thankful that they didn’t lose each other in the crossfire. At least, not until now. 

They light up on the front of the boat, but the paparazzi are long gone. Liam gives Louis a nod of approval for waiting this long, until he was sure it would stay out of the papers, and Louis grins in return. It might have just been the heat, but in that moment, Liam could have sworn things were back to normal. 

Things get more normal from there. Pot always makes Liam handsy and Louis cuddly and they somehow end up right next to each other. And then they end up tangled up in each other, Louis sprawled out in Liam's lap with Liam's hand spread across his chest. Liam can feel Louis's heart beating under his palm and he feels steady in a way he hasn't in months. Niall and Harry are singing loudly where they're laid out, sunglasses and snapbacks on. Zayn just keeps laughing at all of them, a deep throated chuckle that warms Liam jst as much as the sun does. 

"I'll miss this." Louis rolls his head in Liam's lap until he can look up at him. Liam looks down, surprised at the admission. "I do miss this." 

"So don't do this."

Louis looks away, looks back towards where Niall is trying to press the beer he just got out of the cooler against Zayn's chest. 

Liam cards a hand through Louis's hair before sliding out from under him, ignoring the way that Louis reaches after him, trying to draw him back.

\----

"Where's Louis?" Liam asks late into the afternoon. They're in Dallas and the heat is absolutely oppressive. Liam's spent the entire morning laid out in his bed in nothing but his pants, with the air conditioner cranked all the way up.

"Haven't seen him all day," Zayn says from where he's reclined on the couch of his hotel room. He'd collapsed onto it after letting Liam in, complaining about the heat and shitty hotel WiFi. "I saw him talking to his mum on his mobile this morning, but nothing since then." 

Liam hums and tries to pretend he doesn't care. Maybe if he pretends enough it'll start being true. It worked all those years ago, when he was trying to be the rockstar that everyone expected him to be. 

Niall knocks on Zayn's door not too long later. Liam and Zayn haven't moved much from their positions on the floor and couch respectively. They rock-paper-scissor and Liam gets up to let Niall in. 

"There you are!" Niall exclaims when Liam opens the door. "Where's your phone, I've been calling you for hours." 

"I must've left it in my room, sorry. What's up?" 

"It's Lou," Niall says and Liam's blood turns to ice, cooling him down faster than any air conditioner. 

"What is it? What's wrong? Is he okay?" Liam can hear the panic in his own voice, but he can't fight it down. 

"He's fine," Niall says. "Well, we think he's fine? He won't talk to us, he just keeps asking for you." 

"Where is he?" Liam asks over his shoulder as he grabs one of Zayn's t-shirts and pulls it on. Zayn tosses him sweatpants and he pulls those on, too. 

"On the bus. He's been there all day. Haz found him a while ago, but Lou won't let him into the lounge. He's locked the door." 

Liam is in the lift before he knows it, jabbing his finger against the button for the lobby. Niall reaches over and wraps his hand around Liam's wrist, tugging it away from the panel. 

"It's gonna be fine, Li." Niall says. "Everything will be fine, yeah?" 

Niall sounds frightened, like he's asking for reassurance instead of giving it. 

"Of course it will be," Liam tells him though he can barely swallow around his own worry. "I'm sure whatever it is, we've survived much worse." 

Harry's sitting on the steps of the bus when they get outside. He stands up as Liam and Niall approach. 

"He won't let me in. He got a call from his mum and locked himself into the back of the bus and he won't let me in. Just keeps saying that he wants to you see, just you." Harry explains. 

"It's alright, you did what you could." Liam presses his forehead to Harry's quickly. He climbs up the bus steps, dark spots swimming in front of him as his eyes as they adjust to the dark interior of the bus with its tinted windows. He makes his way to the back of the bus, where the door to lounge is firmly shut. He knocks gently. “Lou? It’s me.”

Louis doesn’t say anything, but the door clicks as its unlocked. Liam slides it open to see Louis, curled up under a blanket on the couch. He has all the blinds pulled shut so what little sunlight comes in is slated. The room is almost unbearably hot, Liam doesn’t know how Louis isn’t dying under that blanket. He switches on the air conditioner as he crosses over to the couch. 

“Hi, babe, what’s wrong?” Liam asks gently, crouching down in front of Louis. He reaches out and brushes Louis’s fringe away from his face from where it’s stuck to his forehead with sweat. “Hazza said you wanted to see me.” 

“Can you…” Louis stops. Liam runs his fingers through Louis’s hair a few more times until he starts again, saying, “Can you just cuddle me? Please?” 

Louis sounds so young. So lost and open and vulnerable and Liam doesn’t know how this Louis is the same Louis as the one he’s been living with for the past few months. 

“Of course,” Liam says because he has a hard time saying no to Louis on the best of days, let alone when Louis looks like he’s three seconds from falling apart. Liam wonders if that’s what he looks like to Niall and Zayn and Harry these days. Louis slides back, creating a strip of space on the sofa for Liam to squeeze into. Liam opens his arms up and Louis tucks himself in, nose pressed to Liam’s chest and, really, it’s much too hot to be all curled up like this but Liam can’t bring himself to care because it feels too good, feels too much like it did before. 

They lie there for what feels like hours until Louis finally says, “My grandfather died this morning.” 

“I’m so sorry, Lou.” Liam says, slipping his hands under the blanket to rub at Louis’s back. 

“And it’s stupid, right? Because my mum told me and the only person I wanted to see was you. But that’s _stupid_ because we’re not - not anymore.” 

Liam just keeps rubbing at Louis’s back as Louis cries into his chest and Liam tries not to cry with him for all that they have lost.

\----

Chicago is their next stop in America. Liam remembers how excited he was to come here the first time, to visit the place where all those gangster movies he’d watched growing up took place. Now, he can’t wait to leave. Chicago means they only have LA left in the American leg of the tour. Then it’s Australia and then he can go home. He loves touring, he does. And he loves his boys. But he can’t keep living with Louis in his pocket knowing that it will all end soon.

The final copy of the divorce papers comes in when they’re in Chicago. Liam’s lawyer calls him to tell him that they’re on their way, but it doesn’t prepare him for the sight of the fat yellow envelope in Louis’s hands the morning before their radio interview. 

“Is that…” Liam can’t bring himself to say the words. 

“Yes.” Louis’s voice is clipped, like he doesn’t want to say them either and that makes Liam so mad. It makes Liam mad knowing that Louis is just as fucked up about this as he is, but that he’d rather divorce Liam then work through whatever the hell is ripping them apart. 

“Okay, yeah, sure.” Liam says, running his hand through his hair. Niall, Zayn, and Harry are all there, watching the two of them carefully. “Just let me know when you need me to sign them.” 

Louis nods, turns on his heel, and leaves the room and that’s all they say about it in Chicago.

\----

The envelope finds its way to Liam in LA, where the sun is hot and the food is portion controlled and there are more paparazzi than Liam remembers there ever being, even at the height of One Direction.

“Your turn,” Louis says, throwing the envelope at Liam right before they’re due onstage. 

Heath calls them all to places then and the other four boys follow him out of the dressing room and down the hallway, voice echoing through the door they’d left open in the expectation that Liam was right behind them. But he isn’t. No, he’s stuck frozen in the middle of their dressing room holding onto this envelope so tightly that there will surely be crease marks and indents from his fingers on the papers inside. This is it. In his hands, he holds the end of his marriage, the end of Louis and Liam. Inside this envelope is a stack of papers that will divvy up everything that they’ve bought together, separate everything that was “theirs” and “ours” back into “yours” and “mine.” Inside this envelope is the white flag Liam never thought Louis would wave. 

Liam is holding this surrender in his hands, and all he wants to do is fight. He and Louis aren’t over. They can’t be. They’re Louis and Liam, who started going on dates before they realized they were dates. Who were there for each other when their jobs cost them yet another relationship. Who had spent years and years figuring each other out, all building up to a tentative kiss on a rooftop in San Francisco. They are Louis and Liam, and they might be down, but they weren’t out. Liam wasn’t ready to give up yet. 

“Liam?” Heath’s voice snaps him out of it. “You’re onstage in thirty seconds, mate, we kind of need you.” 

“Right, yeah. Sorry.” Liam puts the envelope on one of the dressing tables and jogs after Heath down the hall. He grabs his mic from one of the tech guys and lets the new hair stylist touch him up one last time. He circles up with his boys, ignoring the questions written on all of their faces. They go through their routine and then pour out on to the stage, lights bright and screams loud. 

They’re about two-thirds of the way done with their set, just about to run off and change for the final time, when Liam clears his throat into his mic. “Hang on a minute, hang on, lads. Before we run off, I just… There’s something I’d like to do, if that’s alright?” 

Zayn comes up beside Liam, raises his eyebrows in a _what are you doing, bro?_ but Liam ignores him, turns to Harry. Harry understands almost instantly, holds out his hand for Niall’s guitar, which Niall forfeits easily. Harry plops himself on the edge of the raised platform of the stage and looks up at Liam, waiting. 

“So, um. Lately I’ve been really messing up with someone that I love and I think that this is the last chance I’m gonna get to prove to them that I’m worth it. That we’re worth it.” Liam says to the crowd, who are all but silent, the quietest that Liam has ever heard any group of One Direction fans be. Maybe they can feel how important this moment is, maybe they’re thinking about demanding their money back because this isn’t what they came to see. Either way, they’re quiet enough that Liam doesn’t need his mic to say to Louis, “This is all I have left to give, Lou.” 

Harry strums at the guitar then, leading into the song they wrote that night out in the field. Liam hesitates for a second, unsure if he remembers it, but he looks at Louis and he finds the words. It’s everything he wants to say, everything he has left to say. If Louis still wants out after this then Liam will give it to him. He’ll have nothing left to fight with. 

"I've never missed anyone the way that I miss you, when we're apart. You're just across the room, but it's cold by my side, I'm missing my heart." Liam starts in on the song, eyes glued to Louis's face as he goes through the verses and the chorus. He holds it all together until the last line of the song and then his voice breaks, the last few words whispered out around Liam's heart, which has made its way into his throat. "Sometimes you gotta fight for what you really, really want, and I all I really want is you." 

There's a quiet smattering of applause from the crowd that's instantly shushed. Liam doesn't look away from Louis, from where Louis's eyes are fixed on him. His face is expressionless, nothing to give away what he thought of that or anything. Liam starts to panic, wondering if this was too big a gesture, if he should have done this in private, it's just… it was now or never. They wouldn't get another chance after tonight. 

Louis turns and walks off the stage, Niall chasing after him. Harry's eyes are wide in apology, like he was the one who messed up, not Liam. Liam shakes his head at him almost imperceptibly, before clapping him on the shoulder and heading offstage himself. He hears Zayn and Harry follow him. 

"What the fuck was that, Payne?" Heath is in Liam's face before he's even fully off the stage and Liam hopes that his mic is turned off, doesn't really fancy the fans listening in while he gets chewed out by his manager. "We agreed that you and Louis would keep your issues to yourself while you were on tour." 

Suddenly, everything boils over. All the frustration and anger that Liam has been feeling, the sense of helplessness he had every time they made him sit beside Louis on a couch knowing it was all an act, all the love Louis won't let him give anymore: it all tangles up in Liam's stomach and comes pouring out in words thrown back at Heath: "Fuck the tour. This is our _marriage_! These are our _lives_. I can't put it on hold for a couple of comeback concerts. I did that before and it lost me two girlfriends, I will not let it cost me Louis, too. Not if I can help it." 

"What you did out there --" 

"Lay off, Heath," Louis interrupts, appearing at Liam's side, outfit changed and hair touched up. Liam thinks he looks beautiful. Liam always thinks he looks beautiful. Louis turns to Liam as Heath's mouth snaps shut. "We'll talk about this later, go get dressed." 

Liam does what he's told, tugging his shirt off as he makes his way over to where the other boys are already pulling their clothes back on. 

"Better hurry," Zayn says as he buttons his jeans. 

The other boys have all already disappeared, it's just Liam and Zayn left in the changing area. Liam's breath catches when he says, "Zayn --" 

"It'll be fine." Zayn cuts him off. "After the show, yeah?" 

Liam nods and finishes stripping out of his sweaty clothes, struggles to get his new clothes on in spite of how sweaty he still is, and heads back out onstage to face the music for what he did.

\---

The crowd acts as if almost nothing has happened, still cheering during and after every song. Louis keeps his distance, but that's nothing new. In fact, Liam would think that he imagined all of it, if not for Heath's clipped "stay off of Twitter" as they climb onto the bus.

Liam still isn't one hundred percent sure it really happened because no one is talking about it. They're the only five on this bus, which is rare after a concert, but still no one is saying anything. They've already started driving by the time Liam decides that he can't take this anymore. They're all sitting in the back lounge in absolute silence when Liam says, "Louis." 

"What the _fuck_ was that?" Louis explodes, as if he'd just been waiting for Liam to say something. "What the hell, Liam?" 

"I didn't know what else to do!" Liam is not above begging for understanding, he's not. "You weren't speaking to me and then you handed me those papers and I just... I had to make you listen, Louis." 

"Listen to what? What the fuck is left for me to listen to?" 

"I love you! I love you so much and I'm not ready to call it quits yet." 

Louis stands, crossing his arms over his chest, and spits back, "That's rich, coming from you." 

"What does that even mean, Louis?" Liam is very confused. Of all the things that he expected Louis to say in response to that, this was not one of them. 

"One adoption falls through and you're all set to call it quits on our family, but you can't just fucking let me go. I don't understand you." 

All of the air feels like it's been knocked from Liam's lungs. He hears the collective intake of breath from their bandmates and contemplates for a second asking Louis to take this somewhere private. But he doesn't because they've been dragged into this despite Liam's best intentions and they deserve to know the truth just as much as Liam does. 

"What are you talking about?" 

"Fuck you, Liam, you know what I'm talking about. Our baby, the one we were supposed to get but then the mother changed her mind. And then you changed yours, remember? One day you were all excited to have a child with me and the next day you practically walk out on me when I bring up trying again. What was it that you said? _We're not going through that again, Lou._ Like that was your decision to make." 

Liam honestly does not know what to say. No, that's not true. He doesn't know where to _start_. But Louis is standing there, expectation and fury in his eyes in equal measure and Liam knows that he has to say something. "I'm not putting you through that again, Lou." 

"What?" 

"I'm not putting you through that again, Lou," Liam repeats. "That's what I said." 

No one says anything, but Louis raises an eyebrow. Liam knows that that is all the permission he is going to get to continue his explanation. 

"When they called and told us that the mum had changed her mind and that we wouldn't be getting a baby, Jesus, Louis. I've never seen you so devastated in my life. You wouldn't stop crying, you didn't eat for two days, you were a fucking mess. Adoption is hard and long and miserable and if that's what it was going to do to you, then it wasn't worth it. We'd adopt from somewhere else, an orphanage or something. But I wasn't putting you through that again." 

"I've always wanted kids, a family. I couldn't stay married to someone who didn't want a family," Louis says, his voice broken and hoarse and Liam knows that Louis is seconds away from crying. Not that he's faring much better himself. 

"You thought I didn't want a family with you," Liam says. 

Louis just nods, tears actually running down his face. "And every time I tried to bring it up, you went all cold and said you didn't want to talk about it. You were shutting me out, I didn't know what to do!"

"Louis. Fuck, _Louis_." Liam manages to get out. “I wasn’t trying to shut you out. I was trying to make it easier! God, Lou, of course I want a family with you. Of course I want a baby with you.” 

“It’s too late,” Louis says. “Isn’t it?” 

“Of course not.” Liam can feel the tears starting to roll down his face, but he doesn’t do anything to brush them away, just keeps his hands curled up at his sides as if that will help hold the last pieces of him together. “We’re Louis and Liam. We can do anything. It’s never too late for us.” 

“Feels like it might be,” Louis admits. Liam can see Harry wiping his eyes with his shirt out of the corner of his eye. 

“I have had a lot of dreams in my life,” Liam says. “And I have been lucky enough that most of them have come true. I’m very spoiled when it comes to getting what I want and God, Louis. Of all those dreams, the one I want most is to have a family with you. I’d give this all up for that, you know that, right? Every show, every interview, every album. If I meant I got to keep you, I’d give it up in a heartbeat.” 

“I think…” Louis starts but his breath fractures and he stops. Liam waits, nails digging into his palms because the string that connects them is stretched so tight in this moment that Liam is afraid it will snap and he won’t be able to tie them back together, won’t be able to anchor himself to Louis anymore. “I think that I need you to hug me, right the fuck now.” 

Liam gasps out a laugh and crosses the room in two steps to haul Louis into his arms. He feels Louis press his forehead against Liam’s shoulder and he buries his nose in Louis’s hair. 

“Fuck, I have missed you,” Liam whispers. 

“Me too, me too,” Louis repeats, mouth pressed to Liam’s collarbone. 

They stand there in the middle of the longue, swaying as the bus rolls down the road on their way to the airport, clinging to each other. Liam’s a bit afraid that if he lets go, things will go back to how they were. He’s afraid if he lets go of Louis it will have some big metaphorical consequences that he does not want to face. 

But instead of letting go, Liam feels another pair of arms slide around him. He feels Zayn’s chest against his back as Zayn reaches around to hug both him and Louis. Niall and Harry press in not a second later and suddenly Liam and Louis aren’t the only ones who are fighting to hold this together, their boys are fighting too. Maybe they have been all along. 

Eventually, they do have to let go, but it’s okay because they all collapse into a heap on the couch, Louis tucked under Liam’s arm and pressed against his side. They put on a movie, but Liam is too busy grinning at Louis to pay much attention, but it’s alright, because Louis is grinning back.

\----

The concerts in Sydney and Adelaide are some of the best of Liam’s life. All five of them seem more alive than they have been all tour and Liam swallows back his guilt about taking that away from them for so long. They have it now, and that’s what matters.

Louis practically glues himself to Liam during the shows now, not that Liam is much better. He sings every sappy line right into Louis’s face and instead of looking embarrassed or skeptical, Louis just beams at him and sings back with this disgustingly infatuated look on his face. Liam’s sure his expression isn’t much better. 

“You’re giving me a bloody toothache,” Niall says to them while Harry and Zayn harmonize over a bridge. “Cut it out, you twats.” But Niall smiles as he skips over to Zayn to press a kiss to the back of his neck and Liam knows he doesn’t mean it. 

Louis and Liam not only share a hotel room, but the same bed. None of this is to say they’ve stopped fighting, they haven’t. They both said a lot of mean things and it’s _hard_ trying to figure out how much they said just to wound and how much of it was them being honest. Louis admits that he knew Liam didn’t sleep with that guy and Liam almost storms out, angry at having been punished for so long. Liam tells Louis that there is a part of him that doesn’t want to try to adopt again because he’s scared of what it will do to them. They hash it all out and then some, making themselves vulnerable to each other in ways they haven’t in months. They still haven’t kissed, but it’s okay, because they fall asleep tangled up with each other in the same bed every night. And Liam is absolutely going to take what he can get. There is a lot to fix between them, a lot of things they hadn’t realized were broken. But they can do this. They’re Louis and Liam and Liam knows that that’s more important than anything else. 

They go surfing together before they leave Australia and Liam comes back sunburned with sand in places he definitely does not want it, but it’s the most fun he’s had in months because he was with Louis. He was with Louis out on the open ocean and more than once, Louis reached over to brush his hand against Liam’s cheek or ruffle his hair before paddling out to catch another wave. It feels good, Liam feels good. Liam feels on top of the world.

\----

They get back to London a few days later and Louis calls his lawyer. Liam is a bit worried, nervous that the lawyer will remind Louis of all the reasons he wanted to leave Liam in the first place, but Louis makes the call while seated on the workspace in the kitchen with Liam between his legs, so Liam lets his worry fade. Louis calls his realtor next, tells him to put the other house back on the market.

“It’s much nicer than this one,” Louis informs Liam when he rings off. 

“But it’s not ours.” 

Louis’s smile goes molten. “No, it’s not.” 

And Liam can’t help it. He doesn’t care if they have more things to work through or if they can ever really go back to how they were. He has to kiss Louis, right fucking now. 

So he does. And Louis kisses back. 

It’s not a very heated kiss, but Liam didn’t mean for it to be. It’s a reconcilatory kiss, one meant to bridge the gap carved out by words that rolled off the same tongue that is now running across the seam of Liam’s lips. Liam parts his lips to let Louis’s tongue brush up against his own and in a way, it’s all the forgiveness either of them need. 

“I love you,” Louis pulls out of the kiss to say. “We might not be better yet, but I love you. I need you to know that.” 

“I know.” Liam kisses the bridge of his nose. “I love you, too. Through everything.” 

“Through the dark?” Louis asks, and the grin on his face is so smug that Liam contemplates pinching him just so he’ll stop. 

“Thanks, Harold,” Liam says instead. 

Louis waggles his eyebrows. “He told me about your night together in Sweden. How scandalous.” 

“Yeah, right. Writing songs about how much I love my husband while crying into one of my best mate’s shoulders, how sordid.” Liam rolls his eyes. 

“Would you maybe…” Louis pauses to take Liam’s hand in his own and bring it up to his mouth where he kisses the back of Liam’s hand. “Would you maybe like to write a song with me?” 

“I wanna write a hundred songs with you,” Liam says. “I want to write a hundred million songs with you. I want to write more songs with you than Niall has Twitter followers.” 

“Alright, calm down.” Louis slides off the workspace so he’s pressed up against Liam’s front, hands still braced behind him. “We might be shit at it now, it’s been a while.” 

“Then we’ll be shit at it together.” Liam quips because he’s not above being the sappiest person alive when it makes Louis go all bashful while he tries to school his face into distaste. 

“You’re disgusting.” Louis tells him. “I’ve changed my mind, I don’t want to write songs with you. All you’ll contribute is gross things about how much you love me.” 

“It’s true.” Liam nods, putting his hands outside of Louis’s, effectively trapping Louis. “I want to write a hundred million songs about how much I love you.” 

“I think that one you wrote in Sweden was enough, actually, thank you.” 

Liam leans forward to rub his nose up against Louis’s the way he knows Louis hates. He presses a quick kiss to his mouth in an insincere apology. “One song is never going to be enough Louis. Not for you.” 

“Not for us,” Louis corrects, before rising up on his toes and kissing Liam for real. 

And Liam knows he’s right. There will always be more songs for them to write, and the best part will always be that they will write them together.


End file.
